mommyhood

Daily Landon. (*featuring The Lady Who Feeds Him)

 

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

Daily Landon.

Do not let sweet, innocent look fool you.  Mama would pay good money for eight solid hours of sleep right now... the kind where no one is trying to discover WHY they cannot put fingers and pacifier in their mouth all at once.

 

(Official Halloween Picture, 2008)

Daily Landon.

13 days old.  Speaking with Pa about what "goin' huntin'" means....  

 

Letter to my Son.

 

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

 

 

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you...

... I know we belong.

(The Luckiest, Ben Folds)

By popular demand...

Ok, ok... so I've hesitated to post a bunch of pictures for a bunch of reasons.  Silly reasons that shouldn't matter, but somehow they do... or, did.

But, we are loved.

And people want to see him. And that warms my heart almost as much as he does.

So. I am sharing.  Finally. 

I made a video for you. But. It was like, five entire minutes long.  And I wasn't even patient enough for that.

 

He's tiny.  Five pounds plus a little.  Preemies lose a little weight.  Then they gain it back. They frustrate their mommies greatly.  They are all about doing things when THEY want. Not when YOU want.

That little open mouth you see? This is what our NICU nurses call "caroling."  If only he could learn what to do with a bottle. 

 

This is our most recent photo.  Landon likes to hold hands.  A lot.  We only have a little feeding tube left to lose... apparently Landon only likes to play with his bottles instead of drinking from them.  This will change when he is a few days older.  

As for now, I am trying to be patient.  And calm.  All mommies want their babies home.  So, I wait. Ever so impatiently. On Landon to suck his bottle.  And we rock.  And we sing.  And we tell stories. 

Everyday.

 

I remind myself...

... to say thank you to everyone who has helped me with anything.

... to forgive those who haven't.

... to find joy in the tiniest of accomplishments.

... to focus on what's really important.

... to take nothing for granted.

Funny how much someone so tiny can teach you about life.

Lessons in gratitude.

Amidst spending my days tucked away in the NICU, I've had lots of ... time.

Time to reflect.  Time to move on.  Time to close doors. Time to mend hearts. 

I count my blessings as Landon and I rock back and forth.  I count them when his long fingers curl around one of mine.  I count them when he grunts and complains about being unwrapped from his snuggly bed.  I count then when he drinks half an ounce from his bottle.  I count them when I tuck him back in and say goodnight.  I even count them when I am battling the sick feeling leaving him there... because, I know I can come back tomorrow.  And he will still be waiting.

It's an easy place to be thankful.  An easy place to find gratitude for all the small things.  In light of all my personal drama ... our tiny roommate was born at 27 weeks.  Her dad doesn't speak english.  And so I remind myself.. my problems?  They aren't so much.

God prepares you for things.  I think Landon and I needed this time.  These quiet moments of dozing off together in the NICU rocking chairs... these days of missing him so much my heart aches.  And Landon?  He's already an fighter.  Strong.  Brave.  Amazing.

So we wait.  Time is our friend. 

In more ways than one, time heals everything. 

Update.

Doctor's appointment today.

Um. Let's sum it up.

I am having a baby.

And he ain't waitin' til November.   To say the VERY least, the car seat and "bag" will go in the car ... TONIGHT.

Buckle up everyone.

**note: NOT TODAY!! Just soon! As in, VERY soon!** I mean, it better not be today, considering he'll be coming home to a PINK bedroom!! **

Season.

Baby is almost here.  He's been moving... from head up to head down.  And I am thinking, certainly, he's showing us his style - not waiting for November to join the girls' birthday month.  He need a space, date and month all his own.

And so. We're winding down.  This part of the new journey is almost done.  There's another door with another unknown path at the end of this one.  I'm taking it.

In denial about everything that's still needed around here.

I have the girls. My family. My friends.  What more does a baby need?

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

It's all downhill from here....

... I caught myself doing the famous pregnant waddle today.  Seriously.  And I would only share that with you. The whole wide internet.

And I can't see my shoes.  At all.

Stop laughing. 

Because it's not funny at all.